I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Randomize
