hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
