i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
