Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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