just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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