gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
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