Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
