True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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