Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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