Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
