The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
