He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Randomize
