dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.