They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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