I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
