Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."