I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I don't want my vagina anymore.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on