From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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