If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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