You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
