I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
so let's talk penis.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
You have to summon your inner elephant
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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