so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
