Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
