My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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