Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
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