i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
