I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
