Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
