Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
