I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
