I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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