Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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