and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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