cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
