Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
