There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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