burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
