he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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