I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
