You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
