Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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