If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
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Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
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bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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