Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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