I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
