I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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