How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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