...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Randomize
