Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
