I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
