It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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