see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Its about making memories worth repressing
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
