He uses pillows to masturbate.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
