hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
