Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
