Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
