It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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