y did u give ur computer a hand job?
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
