insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
it's like iHOP with fire
He felt like a one man threesome
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
