Where is the hickey?
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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