If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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