If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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