did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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