im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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