I'd wear matching sweaters with you
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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